changed from the way I do the house work, study and (have fun). The constant environmental changes and disruptions makes the person paralyzed by the total sense of the word, and this paralysis comes in the shape of physical and mental one, like the constant cutting of electricity and internet made my life in a sense much harder to carry on than before, even though it made me more responsible person than before, if I should look at it from a positive perspective, it made life progress much harder, like if I need to open a net to search for some information, I should use means and ways goes back to the times of Thomas Edison, this is what we got ourselves into in Syria, even my modest writings and research that I used to entertain myself from time to time, has been severely disrupted by the merciless war and chaos. I used to be a very positive personality once, I even used to give motivational speeches about life, but resent things which I’m seeing is challenging the spirit of positivity and the level of human endurance that I used to experience in the last year, I mean by that, that the level of psychological struggle and the physical struggle which I experienced in the two year Syrian war, can’t be explained in a small essay like this, the reason is that any emotional shocks and pains that the human goes through when written on paper, loses its power and intensity, and can’t be a constitute of the real day to day feelings of the person on the ground, I named this essay the beginning of the end, because in so many ways, I feel that that this war has to end, this end can be a personal end, like if something bad happened to me personally, or it can end for the whole country and everyone start to live peacefully, after all this horrible events in the previous 2 years, this may sound pessimistic essay but it’s not, it’s a down to the earth essay, it shows how a university student like me is struggling to live his life in a normal way in the middle of all this terrible destructive waives threatening his ship and his life, until this day, the author survived 9 threatening events and the threatening events are still counting, this is not a heroic story of a man trying to have a university degree against all odds, it’s the story of every student who will probably give away his life if necessary for the sake of progress and science.
Once in the begging of the Crisis, I wrote a small essay about death and dying which I never been able to publish anywhere and never intend to do so, the reason is my whole concept of death was childish and very simple, the problem with death and the fear of death is, that death can take many form and shapes, from a strong sounds of bombs, to old man, death is frightening for everyone and specially for young people, but in reality death is emptiness of emotion, it’s an empty cup with no water in it, not motion no life, but as we are humans by instinct, fear death as the same way we fear to get sick or be bitten by a snake, the problem arises that in some point of our life we are conditioned to face death face by face, and in my own case, every day, with seeing all kinds of bombs flying over our heads, in that particular facing moment, we get confused to how we will be able to face this terrible organic destruction of our selves, sometimes in a very terrible forms, like the one which happened in the Aleppo university architecture students, or the suicide bombers in the street of the major cities, and when you see people are dying in this horrible way, you realize that how far the atrocities of war has reached in the modern times, for the outside observer, these bombing and dying people has no significant meaning to them, and may be some people will say let the Arabs die and that their fault, but it’s in some sense every human’s fault who is seeing the wrong and not speaking about it, and in sometimes if not always is encouraging evil, because of his or hers stupidity and ignorance.
if we in the beginning spoke of the body destruction and its constant fears that it comes with, we can see also that the fear to lose your dignity and soul is even more greater and more hard on the human psyche, the reason is, when your soul is smashed or stolen your recovery is slow and very painful, and in some cases it’s impossible to cure, and can become like an open wound you carry it with you until the end of life, the most disturbing feeling that I felt in the resent days was when I saw hundreds of people fleeing their parts of the town and walking slowly from my street to a more (Safe) ground in the city, this part of town which I’m speaking about a district called(Shiek al maksud) and its situated in Aleppo, which is 1km far from my district, and contain hundred thousands of families and refugees which fled from other parts of the town, so in the recent days the rebels came and entered this part, which made the government to start shelling the buildings where hundreds of rebels are situated all this happened in the night, while hundreds of thousands of people sleeping in their beds, until the date of the writing this fights are still happening in that part, what is the fault of the civilians who are killed and fled the town and been a refugee for the second time in the row? where is the human justice and dignity, it’s all became apparent to me that all this pain is dissolved in the tears of the women that I saw in the street waiting for the bus to come and take them to other place they will call it home. The question is what is a nation or home or government? this question is asked for every part of the world, where governments and homes and nations fall in responsibility and break apart, where there is no social structures and machinery to help to stabilize the damage to the human being, when all this is lacking and when organizations are constituted just to contain themselves in nicely built buildings, instead of per suiting the human benefit and human development, then and only then humanity becomes in a real thread and danger, in this sense what should conscious human beings like us do to help others? is it possible that relaxation tapes and calm music will solve the issue, or opening our hearts to others and help them to get out of their pain is the right road to take? And if we chose that road what will guarantee us that there won’t be people who won’t use our kindness and empathy to grow their power and ego, and this is what happening in Europe now, where some governments are funding far reaching wars and after a while they are opening their borders to immigrants to come to their country, some of them are not accepting this, by putting measures and jailing people, but thousands of desperate people are fleeing to Europe each year just to reach the shores of so called (paradise). One of my friends is thinking now to travel illegally to Europe by a ship, after he lost almost everything in this war, and I mention him, because he exemplifies the true picture of the young educated generation in Syria, which is facing one of the most uncertain futures you can ever imagine, it is estimated that this war will continue for years, meanwhile, generations will suffer from job loss and disrupted life, if they don’t lose one member of their family. If I can compare the Syrian social situation to something, I can compare it to a train which got out of track and moving by its own force in an unknown direction, the train is only working and moving by its own people’s good will and productivity, without any one helping or caring the security of those people and their businesses, making their lives vulnerable to all kinds of humanitarian disasters without any kind of helpful assistance.
Coming back to my own personal life in this humanitarian chaos, I can say there is a strong feeling of dissatisfaction and fear, fear that cant explained by words, but it’s a the kind of fear that dominates the human and let it paralyzed, when nowadays you walk in the streets of Aleppo, you will see piles of rubbish and dirt everywhere, because of lack of fuel to run the rubbish collecting vehicles are not working, I’m worried that in the upcoming summer days will see the spread of disease pandemic, that will make health issues much worse that what it is now, since most of the hospitals are closed or burnt down from the two sides, leaving 5 or 6 hospitals operating on the ever increasing numbers of injuries and wounded people, and some people will say the solution is just to leave that place and go somewhere else, but where? the world has become infected with violence and hatred in every part of it, just when I’m writing this words, the Boston exploitations happened against innocent runners, in the finishing line, where is common sense in this, where is the human creativity in this, is it that human beings have this two traits (building and destroying) in the same amount? I don’t understand.