In those days , every time I wake up, I realize how greatly I’m blessed to be alive and breathing , first I look around and see my family members , some still in deep sleep , some already waken up before me , the sound of the television seems non-stop to me , everybody is concerned about the political situation and on what things will turn out next , when I first wake up I feel really dizzy and a bit of a feeling of loath to continue my day, everything around me feels sticky and slow, I feel I’m swimming in an ocean of concrete, yesterday’s dream or the nightmare still hunts me for a minute or two, usually I see a man trying to catch e and kill me, and I feel lucky if I saw a nightmare ,because it indicates that I’m still sane, it’s been a week I didn’t see any dreams, because I wasn’t sleeping well for almost a month , what keeps me awake is the sounds of the bombs hitting their unfortunate targets, some people feel happy telling me that they aren’t the ones who got hit but I always remind myself that we could too get hit by this devilish mortars .We live on the last floor of the building , the probability of getting hit is much higher than the others in the building.
After I wake up ,mostly waking up late , near 11 pm ,I wash myself in a fast way ,and go for my cold ready tea ,which has been made by mom ,I warm it in the microwave ,drink it with biscuits and pasting cheese, then I sit in front of TV screen , searching for horrific incidents happened during our sleep ,after watching the euro news and Syrian local news for a while I start thinking how to get myself off the comfy chair , with this measurable daily routine I feel my life slips out from my hands , like a sand clock put downwards .I take my pen and open my laptop searching for some inspiration to continue my blog or the unfinished book “reach the top without stress” although I wrote the book under enormous stress ,mentioning stress ..I become really stressed out in night hours especially around 1am ,this is when the real military operations start to happen; everything around me shakes from the sound of the bombs! with pain in my stomach, and slowness in breathing I struggle to have a normal sleep .I should admit that in the first days of Aleppo uprising I couldn’t sleep because of feelings of paranoia, that a bad thing is going to happen to us, but after a while I resolute with myself, and decide to sleep no matter what, therefore, I found that sleeping early is the best solution. Some days I thought all of this was just a dream, kind of a divine joke where God tries to test a human’s strength, till he cracks down and surrenders. I think the most hilarious thing of all is me putting chairs blocking the balcony to prevent myself from the distracted bullets, but unfortunately it’s obvious that I can’t stop the falling mortars, some people face that reality with positive lies as “everything is going to be alright”, but I prefer dealing with it in spite of its ugliness and brutality, people who want to believe lies can go with that, I won’t stop them anyway.
Arguments about future:
Accept from trying to survive, inside our home , we always fight about the future, what we will do, how we will spend our little resources that we have, where we should go, when to leave, all those questions remains creates an empty circle where every decision, has its unending risks and consequences, from snipers on the corner of the street, to the mortars and potential kidnapers, even the vegetable seller can be a suicide bomber, I wonder how our life decisions would been different if we were just born somewhere else, There is little choices we have now one is to escape to Armenia, but the road to the airport, is extremely dangerous, just two days ago a car convoy coming back from the airport, trapped between gunfire, twelve people wounded and four got killed, so we as a family know that things are out of our hand and only time would tell what will happen next…
My bullet collection:
For the first time in my life I found an exotic hobby, which you can only do it on the times of war, I’m collecting empty bullets from the top the of the building and from the balcony, I collected 12 bullets till now and the number is rising sharply up wards, this bullets laying in my hands, I don’t really know what to do with them, so I took couple of shots of them and made a design art from them and posted it on the Facebook page, two of those bullets where going to kill my own sister, I will keep those bullets, it will remind me of those hardship that we had to tackle in order to stay alive till now. I look at them and in a moment I really imagine how I would look like, if something like this hit my own head, I would look really hilarious and funny, and still. I can’t believe that those small pieces of metal can take a loved one away from us.
In the middle of the day:
We eat dinner and watch another doze of news as a whole family, my loved dish is Lazania, we seldom eat Lazania, after I finish eating, I really feel dizzy, that’s why I hurry up to take a shot of espresso made earlier, by our espresso machine, it kicks me off the imposed laziness by dinner, meanwhile, the sounds of the helicopter never leaves my ear flying over our heads, looking down to us, to us the weak ones and shooting bullets and missiles carelessly, what an adventure. Next I go to my personal solitude, to my room to continue writing my books and continue my research about psychology, biology and dreams. In those days, I feel I’m in a creative surge, I feel I’m in the peach of my creativity, that’s why I feel obliged to invest every second of my youth years to do something really unique and compelling, in a matter of two months, I wrote something like 11 papers designed one design per day and finished typing a book consisted of 150 pages, I feel closer death comes to me, faster I write and create, I know that this flow won’t go on like this forever, but I will continue creating until my powers let me do so. The biggest difficulties that I have in the creative process is the suppressive thoughts of negativity and desperation which cling to my head like a mosquito parasite sucking my powers and letting me feel hopeless, for days I would stop writing thinking that I have sensitivity to paper or that the pen is too heavy. Such thoughts are so hard to take out of the mind, it needs special treatment, I found meditation is the cure for such mind diseases in the recent stress days, I went into deep coolness by the means of meditation, for the first time, I understand how to control the whole brain and direct it toward whatever I desire, but meditation process and the stages connected to it, isn’t a pleasant experience as you thing about it, because it needs, patience and total honesty with you subconscious mind, seldom people have that amount of honesty in their mind, most of the people would go wondering the day in a state of daydreaming and light consciousness, in order for the person to create something, it needs special higher conscious self, another look to granted reality. All in all it gives me the peace that I don’t have in the outer world. It’s like searching a gold coin in the deeps of the mountain but end product worth the effort, I also condensed my studies about dreams, I think it will give another push to my creative being, I will wait and see, what I really long for, is appreciation for my constant efforts to reach higher and higher stages of conscious living, bringing peace and harmony for all the people of the world.
In the afternoons:
After writing books and random designing, I would try to imagine a better future, better humans and nice friends around me, which one day I will have. I’m sure after this brief imagination, then I go for internet surfing, where the internet lags and stops every twenty seconds, this lag gives me an opportunity to concentrate more on my writing style, on the net , I would open Facebook for hour or two, mainly to talk with my closest friends, one of them is a Muslim university student, who was college friend before war set us apart, now I contact no one accept by internet, I miss my friends, miss talking with them, I think it’s normal since I’m imprisoned in my own house for almost two months, my only relief is going for a walk on my own street, at 7pm sharp any time later than that I would face a serious problem, or I would go to the roof of the building collect bullets, ad watch planes attacking building and bombarding them. When I chat with my friends, I try to show empathy to their suffering, since my situation is not any better than theirs, they feel healed when they talk to me, years ago I seldom did this, but life changed me dramatically to the better, this changes are happened on all the people around me, even my doctors in the university who some of them were rood to us, after the war, they become very peaceful and outgoing, I don’t know why people need catastrophes in order to change the animal of habit inside of them, wouldn’t it be easier to prepare for adversities right from begging ? but seldom happen that way.
Some useful coping mechanisms:
Mainly, writing a memo and singing is the most powerful tools that humans do have in their hands in the time of difficulties, it’s something innate ancient and powerful, you must have to sing a song which you know the words by heart, and sing it collectively with another people. It gives you power and raises your self-esteem, playing some sport like jugging inside the house and making push u[s also straighten your muscles and strengthen you personality, reading a long novel, before sleeping also helps to give the dizziness necessary to compulsive sleep.
What I eat between hours:
Mostly what I eat is endless amount of biscuits, with Nescafe, this is the best combination. It gives nice taste which goes with the mood of the slow pace of life, and the fast pace of the creative process. In the late afternoon, I close the show with a hot chocolate which also gives me a nice comfy feeling.
Finally, feelings about boredom and absurd reality:
The last thing that I would discuss about in this essay, is the representing feelings of boredom, the main feel of every day is boredom, from morning to the late nights, because everyone is waiting for the war to be over, but knows for sure that this war will take a long time to end, this slow-paced of life is making holes in our soul the same way cavity makes holes in your teeth after long silent digging, it’s like waiting for the train that wouldn’t come , its waiting to our destiny to change its course, waiting for reality to be bearable again, waiting to live another usual day)…end